Shades of Obsession Read online

  I cannot.

  I am back at the top of the hill and, breathless, I stop. I take my headphones out, the birds are singing, the sky is orange, the car engine is idling and life is normal, it has to stay normal and not just for my boys.

  For my sanity.

  I decide to just get through my day, to race through my day - that I won’t stop, because if I don’t let myself think of him I’ll be safe.

  I make sure I am busy, that I’m out, and I try not to stop.

  Because the second I do…

  ‘May I speak with Detective Masters?’

  I am sitting in my car outside the police station; I am staring at the building and wondering if he’s in it.

  ‘Can I ask who’s calling?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘What it’s in regard to?’

  ‘No.’

  Luke’s a detective - they’re surely used to people ringing without giving their reasons and names.

  Finally I am put through.

  ‘What?’

  I almost choke with relief at the sound of his voice, surly, abrasive; it’s the sound I most love.

  ‘Luke,’ I gabble it out. ‘Please don’t hang up. Can we just talk, just meet…’

  ‘You know we can’t.’

  ‘Please….’

  ‘You know we can’t just talk.’

  ‘But….’

  ‘You remember how it ended…’ He says. ‘Do you really want to go back there again?’

  ‘It’s different now.’

  ‘Yes, it is,’ he says, ‘because if you thought it was too much back then, it’s a lot worse now.’

  ‘I never said that it was too much.’

  I didn’t, my parents said it for me.

  ‘That was kids stuff then….’ He warns and I don’t get it. I don’t get what he means.

  We did nothing wrong.

  Except, everyone said differently.

  But there was nothing wrong - it was just a bit rough sometimes, just a bit wild and, yes, it got out of hands a couple of times... but then I stop trying to convince myself it was normal, because it wasn’t. He loathed my pleasure, it infuriated him. He was trying to tame me, he said and he did it by fucking me, over and over….

  But he saved my life.

  Twice.

  He saved it on the day we met and again on the last day we met prior to this - and now I need him to save me again.

  ‘I have to see you…’

  ‘Forget it.’ Luke says. ‘We had a short fling ages ago…’

  ‘It was more than a fling…’

  ‘And we’re both married now.’ I hear his angry breath and I am angry now too.

  ‘Are you the same with her…’ Jealousy grips me at the thought of him and Natasha.

  ‘Stay away from my marriage.’

  ‘I just need to know…’ I feel sick at the thought of him with Natasha, of him taking her to the places he took me.

  ‘I am sleeping with my wife.’

  ‘Are you fucking her though!’ I scream. ‘What happens when she comes?’

  He hangs up on me.

  I sit in the car crying and I cry all the way home and it takes forever to put on my make up, to manage normal, to head out for the school run.

  ‘Are you okay?’ Gina checks, when I don’t get out of my car.

  ‘Just tired.’

  ‘I’ll take the boys…’ she offers. Gina’s got a seven seater so she does this quite a lot. ‘You can pick them up later.’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Of course,’ she smiles. ‘It makes no difference, I’ve got Jordan coming over as well…’

  ‘Jordan?’

  ‘Natasha’s son.’ I look to the boy walking over to her, he looks like Natasha, he’s got red hair and he’s smiley – nothing like Luke.

  ‘Dad says that’s fine, he’ll pick me up at nine.’ Jordan says.

  I look across the car park and straight into the eyes of Luke.

  My hand is shaking as I start up the engine. I drive slowly, I have to and I feel my panic building as his car pulls out behind mine.

  Real panic, not just because Luke is behind me, but I recognize the car.

  It’s the one I’ve seen every morning for a couple of weeks now, I’m sure.

  A black car, with a man in it, that sits with the engine idling.

  He’s been watching me since long before yesterday.

  I look in my rear-view mirror and his dark eyes look straight into mine but, as I tear them away, I see that the car front of me has slowed and I have to slam on my breaks which means so too does Luke.

  There’s the sound of horns and I sit there shaken as he gets out and strides over, just as any angry parent might.

  I wind down my window.

  ‘Stupid bitch…’ he tells me and I stare ahead. ‘I could have slammed into the back of you…’ I blink, I feel like crying, I know he’s cross with me for the phone call, I know he’s just using this as an excuse to shout. ‘You could have been making dinner tonight black and blue, you need to look where you’re fucking going….’

  He gets back into his car and I drive off.

  I go home.

  I make Rick’s dinner.

  I struggle to eat.

  I don’t want to eat.

  I want Luke.

  I let myself remember a bit, it’s something I dare not do around Rick, yet I can’t help myself tonight.

  I was eighteen when we met and I knew nothing about boys, or men, or sex - my parents were so strict and I was so shy around everyone.

  They anxiously hovered as I anxiously overachieved, but it was never good enough for them, it was never enough and when school finished I knew I’d messed up my exams, knew that my results would enrage them, that they would tell me I had ruined my life, the life they had planned for me - I just wanted to end things because there was no escape.

  And then Luke showed me escape and I loved it.

  I would do anything for him, anything he wanted, and that was what angered him sometimes.

  I don’t understand his anger; I don’t know why my pleasure displeased him so. He was, he is, truly the most complicated man, but absolutely and completely I loved him.

  Then, when I married Rick…. I look over to the table, I look at a man who’s mind I do know but despise, and all sex has ever been with him is a disappointment.

  I remember the first time with him - I lay there after, just stunned that he thought it had been good, that he thought what he had just done to me was enough, it wasn’t even close, it simply didn’t rate. He didn’t understand my silence, he thought I was maybe just overwhelmed.

  Underwhelmed.

  Just, so, so underwhelmed.

  Rick insisted that he was good, told me how lucky I was - so much so that, in the earlier days, when he was nicer to me, when he thought he was the only person I had slept with, he used to go forever, trying to make me come and I didn’t understand.

  Luke used to get cross when I came, I still don’t know why, but over and over, to Luke I did come. I thought it was easy, natural - I loved what he could make my body do.

  I couldn’t for Rick.

  I learnt to fake it early on in our marriage - I learnt that it sped things up and got it over with more quickly. Then, in quiet times, when I had time to myself, when I was safely alone, I would come again easily – I would just think of Luke.

  ‘What time are you picking up the boys?’ Rick asks as I scrape my full plate into the bin.

  ‘Nine.’

  ‘I can go if you like.’ He’s not being helpful - he just likes the mothers to think that he is, that he’s this wonderful hands on father and husband.

  ‘No, no…’ I smile. ‘I want to catch up with Gina.’

  I head out at ten to nine.

  I could have left at ten past and I know that I’d have still seen him.

  We both know that this is no chance meeting.

  He can’t stay away either.

  I climb out of m
y car at the same time that he climbs out of his.

  We walk up the path together.

  ‘Yes.’ I tell him. ‘I want you to take me there again.’

  Chapter Four

  I don’t know what will happen.

  I just know something will.

  I go for a run the next morning, but his car is not there. I run the circuit twice more and still I don’t see him.

  I gulp water and I wait, I stand and I wait as morning breaks, because he has to be here, he has to want this as much as me.

  I know he does.

  But when there is no sign of him, I have to head for home.

  I walk in the bedroom and Rick is awake and I learn that morning that there is something about sex, something about an illicit affair, something about heightened arousal, because he looks at me in that way.

  We did it two nights ago.

  We’re down to every one or two weeks.

  ‘How was your jog?’

  ‘Good.’

  ‘You’re sweating…’

  ‘I ran for a bit…’ He has no idea of my past, no idea how addictive running can be for me; he has no idea about me at all.

  None.

  He never has had.

  ‘Why don’t you come back to bed for a bit….’ His hand is moving beneath the sheet, he never asks things like that any more, I don’t understand why he suddenly is now, but, then again, even if he doesn’t know it, everything has changed.

  ‘I’ve got to get the boys up soon…’

  I head to the shower, I strip off, I rub the soap over my body, I slide it over my breasts, over my stomach and then over my breasts again, and again. My nipples are hot and hard beneath my palm and the tepid shower does not cool. I move the soap to the heat between my legs and then I see the ensuite door slide open, I turn off the taps before Rick even steps in.

  ‘Portia…’ he blocks the shower door as I am getting out. ‘I was just going to join you.’

  He’s never joined me in the shower before; he’s never really pursued anything out of bed….

  Why now?

  Can he smell the sex - the thoughts of Luke that cling to me? Is there a part of him alerted to the sudden threat to his property – because to Rick, that is what I am, his property, his perfect wife, the mother of his sons. Yes, he thinks that I am his property and perhaps he senses the intrusion.

  I believe that it is as basic and as instinctive as that.

  ‘I’m in a rush.’

  But I know something else, I know that he must not suspect a thing. I know that I must go along with this. I do not want Rick suspicious - he must think that any changes in me are due to him.

  Because already there are changes.

  My eyes are glittering, my face is flushed, my body is alive again after so many dormant years, yet as I look down at his prick I cannot stand the thought of it inside me now.

  ‘Portia…’

  He’s turned on and I am not going to get away with this, so instead I look at him and smile, I stroke him for a moment and then I drop to my knees.

  I give the best blow jobs.

  I was taught, day by day I was taught, till I could take it in so deep, but I don’t think of that as I do this, I don’t think of anything other than getting this over and done with.

  I don’t give Rick my best.

  He doesn’t need it.

  He’s not the one with the real control.

  In a minute he’s moaning and I have the best throat for this, Luke made sure of it, so it’s certainly not Rick’s prick that makes me gag as he finishes.

  Not that he would know.

  He stands there all dizzy, with his eyes closed for a moment and then he pats my head, like he’s telling me well done. As he steps to the shower I head for the sink, I pick up my toothbrush and turn on the taps and I spit him out.

  But, that won’t be enough for Luke, I know that.

  I know how jealous he can be, I know how possessive he is, and he will hate me with another, he will forbid it, I am sure, except I can’t comply, I can’t.

  My marriage has to last for a few years yet.

  Has to.

  It nearly kills me to think of Luke with Natasha, it makes me want to gag again to think that he might be with her now, but it will kill Luke more than me.

  I dress more carefully than normal, and not just in case I see Luke at the school, I know my husband so well, I know what I am doing - I am about to buy Luke and I some time, and so I head downstairs.

  I look over to my sons as I make coffee, I will not ruin their world, I love them so much, I love them far more than me.

  Rick’s all smiles this morning.

  I even get a kiss and a pat on the bum as he heads off. ‘That skirts a bit tight…’ He says.

  You’d think he’d drive the boys, but no, he likes to get in early, he likes me to have jobs, errands….

  ‘Rick…’

  As he gets to the door I stop him, he stands there and I walk up to him and I am doing this for Luke, I tell myself, I am doing this for my sons, so that my marriage can somehow survive, so that I can survive. ‘Thank you…’ I give him a smile, I give him a kiss, ‘for this morning…’ and then I lower my eyes. ‘What you said before - do you think I’m putting on weight?’

  ‘Maybe a little.’

  He thinks my blush is one of embarrassment, he doesn’t know that I am burning with loathing. ‘I want to look nice for you.’ I tell him. ‘Rick, I know it’s expensive….’ he really is the most tight-fisted man. ‘But I want to join the gym….’ I hear his intake of breath, we’ve had this discussion several times, just never after I sucked his prick. It’s funny the things you learn. I really am clueless, I know that, but I kiss him again and I tell him that I felt embarrassed this morning, that I was worried that he thought I looked fat, that I want to look nice for him, that I want there to be more mornings like this one.

  It’s that easy.

  ‘So long as you go.’ He tells me. ‘I am not paying for a membership that you don’t use.’

  Oh, I’ll be using it.

  I hope.

  My eyes scan the playground for him, but Luke’s not at the school drop off either.

  I see Natasha and she’s waves cheerily and comes over, she’s annoying – even if she wasn’t Luke’s wife, I’d still find her annoying. She’s one of those head of committee types, all fired up on school life, living through her son and, given I’m the principal’s wife, of course she’ll want to be in with me.

  ‘Portia!’ She hasn’t a scrap of make up on, she has a sensible short hair cut, she’s not very feminine. I don’t understand why Luke would marry her, what on earth he sees in her, she’s all skinny legs and sharp elbows. He likes feminine, he loved my curves - I will forever recall the agony in his features when he saw me right at the end.

  ‘How are you, Portia?’

  ‘Very well,’ I smile.

  ‘I wanted to speak to you after the PTA, but you’d disappeared. Do you fancy a coffee?’

  ‘I haven’t got time this morning…’ I look at her attire. ‘Are you off to the gym…?’

  ‘Yes,’ she nods, ‘I just joined. I told Luke it was the first thing I wanted to do when we moved here… once Jordan was settled in of course.’

  ‘Of course.’ I say. ‘Actually, I’ve been thinking of joining.’ I see her eyes light with opportunity as she envisions herself jumping a few rungs up the social ladder.

  ‘You’d love it Portia, you really would. Come along with me this morning.. ‘

  ‘I’m hardly dressed to go to the gym.’

  But she’s not letting go of this opportunity. ‘Come and take a look around, meet the trainers, I can introduce you.’

  He’s told me to stay away from his marriage and yet, here I am, walking around the gym with his wife and collecting forms.

  But I’m doing it for good reasons, I tell myself, and I’ll tell him the same. I am not going to fuck up our lives, our marriages. If anything, I’m try
ing to save them, because I cannot go on for sixty-nine months. I know that now. I cannot go on, unless I have the delicious reprieve of Luke.

  I am home by ten, and when the doorbell rings my heart jumps, but it’s only Gina dropping by the minutes of last night’s meeting and I struggle to focus on our conversation. I feel sick with anticipation, I am dizzy from not eating, but the only hunger that I have is for Luke.

  ‘Are you finally joining, then?’ Gina picks up the forms as my phone bleeps. ‘I’ve been nagging for you to join for months…’

  I can’t answer; I am looking at the screen and my face is on fire.

  I don’t know how he got my number, I simply don’t know, I just burn that it’s him.

  Stay the hell away from my wife

  I hate that he’s protective of her, but I soothe myself that it’s surely just his son he’s being protective of, but then my heart soars when I get the next text.

  It’s bad enough as it is without having to hear your name mentioned every five minutes

  ‘So when are you going to go?’ Gina asks but I can’t concentrate, I tell her to carry on making the coffee and I excuse myself for a moment, but I just hide in my bedroom. My mind is fizzing, my heart is racing as I realise that I can text him all the time - we didn’t have phones like this when we were together, my head is spinning at this new contact - Luke in my handbag, by my bed, here with me right now as Gina makes the coffee downstairs…. but then I panic, because our texts will be constant and Rick checks the bills.

  Don’t text me, Rick checks the bills

  I wait for a moment and there is a thrill, a delicious thrill as it buzzes again.

  Then stay away from my wife I do not need you two as friends

  And it is different from all those years ago, because I don’t have to do as he says, not that I ever did – that was the problem. But I am older now, stronger now, more of a woman now and I can handle things better, I tell myself.

  too late baby

  I hold my breath as I hit send.

  I can almost feel his anger as Luke gets the message; almost see the rage on that delicious surly face.

  Meet me now I frown as I read the address, it’s just a restaurant not a hotel, but I am going to see him, I can hardly breathe, but I don’t want to eat, I want him.